The cognitive distortion I’m covering for today is “Shoulds”!
Shoulds are things we expect ourselves or others to do. Like a list of rules 📝 we have about our behavior or the behavior of others.
When people break our rules (or when we break our own rules) it might make us feel angry, 😡disappointed, hurt, shameful, guilty, resentful, or even disgusted.
You might believe that you are motivating yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, but you’re leaving yourself with a big emotional consequence of guilt and shame.
A toxic “should” I hear all the time is “I should diet”, “I ate Taco Bell today so I should go for a run”, “I shouldn’t eat that”, “I should lose weight”. I’m totally guilty of this too. These ideas are symptoms of DIET CULTURE- a huge land mine of shoulds that prescribes expectations, rules, and behaviors for create perfect bodies (but not perfect minds, I might add). Diet Culture is a symptom of PATRIARCHY- and we all know how we feel about that, right? 😉
What “shoulds” do you tell yourself!?
The cognitive distortion for today is blaming. Blaming is when we hold other people accountable for our feelings.
A blaming statement might sound like: 😡 “You got a promotion and I didn’t. You getting this job makes me feel bad about myself!”.
No one “makes” us feel any particular way. Even though sometimes it feels that way. Our feelings are a reflection of our internal world, experiences, beliefs, and trauma. 🧠 Even so- for our own emotional intelligence and health- we should aim to have control over our emotions and emotional responses.
Blaming might also sound like a chronic pattern of blaming ourselves. When things go wrong, we might think “Things always go wrong when I’m involved. I’m always the problem.”
Persistent blaming can also be an indicator of emotional abuse. 😢 Talk to your therapist if you or someone you know has shown a pattern of consistently placing blame for their feelings on others.
Got another cognitive distortion for you today: The Fallacy of Fairness.
Who heard “Life isn’t fair” from their parents as kids? 🙋🏼♀️ Sometimes this is a hard concept to remember as an adult.
If you spend your life judging fairness and unfairness, you’re bound to have a bad time. If you’re always measuring your life against others’ 📊, believing this Fallacy of Fairness is probably getting in the way of you working for and achieving what you want out of life.
Life isn’t fair— things don’t always work out in your favor. It’s up to you to change your perspective!
I think it’s important to mention that unfairness in regards to your or others’ experiences of systemic oppression (discrimination based on gender, race, sexuality, capital, immigration status, ability, size, mental or physical illness, etc) is a VERY REAL and VERY VALID experience of injustice. Societal oppression is real and worth questioning and fighting against. This fallacy in no way means to demean or invalidate that fight!
